Last week I dug through some boxes of my grandmothers belongings that had been packed away for years in my parents’ basement.  I brought several beautiful dishes to light, including a set of delicate stemware each in a different vibrant color, a tea set of beautifully painted china, and two cups and saucers in floral patterns.

The crumpled newspapers that protected them from breaking date from the fall of 1977. The newsprint is yellowed, the dishes dusty and a bit grimy from the acidic paper.  As I washed them in preparation for display, I couldn’t help but think that these dishes are like the best aspects of many people—delicate and beautiful but wrapped and packed away.  At first they are hidden for safekeeping, but later because they are forgotten—out of sight and (mostly) out of mind.

The hardest lesson I’ve learned from dreamwork is to attempt to own my brighter gifts and talents.  My teacher calls this “Bright Shadow projection,” and the idea is that we often fail to recognize or acknowledge our greatest gifts, and are able to see them and admire them only in others.  Owning our gifts can be harder than owning our prejudices, because we have a cultural bias against being “too full of yourself” or boasting.  So we learn, usually very young, to tuck away our brightest lights into carefully packed boxes in our souls, and then sigh with unnamed yearning when we see our heroes shining with that same light.

In order to grapple with this process, I’ve made lists of qualities I admire in others, and then searched within to see where those qualities in me have been hidden.  It isn’t easy, but my dreams, and the dreams of my fellow dreamworkers, point us relentlessly in that direction.  For example, one of my friends recently dreamed of a man whose work he greatly admires.  In the dream the man sits at a table, teaching his followers, and there is an empty chair across from him.  The dreamer realizes that the chair has been empty for a while, and even though others are also standing, this chair is for the dreamer.

Of course, reclaiming and using our gifts can be a frightening process.  After all, we first packed them away in order to protect ourselves, maybe from others’ teasing, or jealousy, or anger.  But the effort it takes to ignore our truest selves can lead to exhaustion and depression.  Recognizing and reclaiming the talents I have has unlocked rooms of joy in my life.  When I’m truer to myself, I attract the people who truly resonate with me.  And I’m stronger now than I was when I first wrapped up those parts of me that seemed too big for the people around me to handle.  I have more knowledge of how to channel my gifts in ways that don’t overwhelm those near me.  And I have the enormous pleasure of seeing my friends embrace their own gifts.

Another dreamer recently reported the “billboard” message from one of her dreams as:  “To the extent that I choose suffering, I increase the suffering in the world.  To the extent that I choose joy, I increase the joy in the world.”  Unwrapping our hidden talents, while it may feel terrifying, leads to greater joy.  It makes us more whole as individuals.  And to the extent we make ourselves whole, we bring greater wholeness to the world.

There is a place at the table for  each of us.  The world needs our talents and gifts and art and creativity and problem-solving.  To keep our gifts wrapped in ancient newspaper is to deprive ourselves and the world of what is most needed.

Today’s post is by my friend Tim Shea.  His friendship and his words have helped me through many dark hours, and I’m honored to share his essay here.

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.  (Prov. 23:7)

For thousands of years and in cultures around the world it has been universally understood that the inside, drives the outside.  That a person’s perception of who they are, what they are capable of, and their relative worth to the world will in large part determine the levels of success and happiness that they will know in their lives.  I have never met a successful man who was not also a confident man.  I have never met a resolved, determined woman, who did not eventually realize her goals.  Conversely, a person with low or poor self-esteem, has very little chance of realizing great success in this life.  The two states are mutually exclusive.  Countless books have been written on the subject of the causal relationship between self-perception and success, and with good reason.  Virtually no one would argue this point.  And yet many are the people who at one time knew success and happiness, and now find themselves in a state of confusion, at best, and despair at worst, wondering what happened, and wondering whether, or even if they can climb back out and return to their former, happier state.

Do you know who our friends are?  Do you know who the people are in our lives that we must cherish?  Who we must hang onto for dear life?  They are those people who can look into our eyes and remind us of who we once were.  Of whom we once, long ago, or perhaps, not so long ago, might have become had we stayed on the path that we were following back when they knew us.   Those who can make us recall that spark of divinity that lies within each of us, which in some way set us apart from everyone else once upon a time.  That spark that in some way made us special, even if it was only for a while, and even if it was only in some obscure and insignificant way.  Everyone at one time or another has had a brush with greatness.  Everyone at some time surprised themselves and came close to realizing their potential.  Came close to knowing how good or even great they could actually be.  Our friends remember it, and they help us remember it.

Life can be very hard on dreams.  Life can take people who at one time were full of hope, curiosity, determination, confidence and perseverance, and wear them down to the point where they find themselves living in that wasteland where dreams go to die and disappointment and regret flourish like weeds in an abandoned lot.  People can become worn down to the point where they actually have come to believe that the divinity they once manifested was no more than a fluke or a happy accident.  That in fact, the true spark of the divine wasn’t really ever there.   This almost never happens overnight.  That would be too easy to explain away.  Too easy to bounce back from.  No, the kinds of things that cause people to lose their way happen very slowly.  They are insidious.  They start lightly.  Faintly.  Almost imperceptibly.  Then, a bad break here, a bad decision there, inactivity at a time that there should be massive activity, and things begin to change.  With each passing wave of failure, however slight, a little piece of the shore of confidence is washed away.  From the undertow of doubt, the foundations of competency and success slip away into the seas of mediocrity and a once sturdy and secure beachhead slowly begins to crumble.  This can take years to happen.  In fact, it usually does.  And there is a proportional relationship between the amount of time it takes to happen, and the amount of time that it takes to return to our starting place, if, in fact, we can return at all.

However, some of us have been richly blessed.  Some of us have people in our lives who are not content to allow us to continue to live in that dark place that we have carved out for ourselves.  That place, that on the surface seems rather innocuous.  Rather unremarkable.  In fact, quite like the place that the majority of the world lives in.  The place that many of our parents called home.  That so many of our friends call home.  The place from which the cynics, the doubters, the jaded, the disappointed and the heartbroken, tell those of us who dare to hope for something better, that there is, in fact, nothing better.  That this is as good as it gets, and that we would do well to make our peace with it as soon as possible.   Our friends are those brave souls who venture into that place, and take us by the hand, and remind us of who we are.  They remind us of what we once were, and what we could be again.   They appeal to our true selves.   They call us back into the battle with exhortations of reliving past glory, of recommitting to a hope and a destiny reserved especially for us.  They beckon to the best that is in us, and they call it forth, believing that it is still there almost as though they can see it.  They look into our eyes and they remember who we once were.  They act as a lighthouse for us.  A beacon on which we can fix our gaze, and then follow into a safe and familiar harbor.

These people are our friends.  These people are the heroes of our lives.  These are the people to cherish.  They rarely give us something we didn’t  already have.  They just reach in and help us find what we misplaced.  They help us dust it off, and set it aright.  And you know what the best part is?  They actually want us to believe that we did it ourselves.  They won’t take credit for their part in breathing life back into our souls.  For restoring hope.  They won’t even share it.  But we, who have been on that journey, know better.  We who have been to that dark place, and are leaving it behind, know better.  Some of us are still making our way out.   Some of us are well on our way.  Wherever we are on the journey back, and in whatever way we were touched, we know.  We all know.  And we are forever grateful.

“Squid wrestling: all tentacles and no substance.” Sleep Talkin Man

As a dream worker, I find it fascinating to try to understand what dreams mean. Images that arise in sleep talk are little jewels of dreams, which can be explored in the same way as longer, more involved dreams. I discovered Sleep Talkin Man because all of a sudden, several people brought the blog to my attention…friends on Facebook, and other dream workers. When I saw the post quoted above, at first I just had a good laugh, which is a sure sign that there’s a nugget of truth in it. But then I began to wonder what that nugget of truth would be. After all, I have no plans to literally wrestle squid.

As I considered the symbol as a metaphor, the first thing that came to mind is that this is exactly what it’s like for me to wrestle with my grief. All tentacles and no substance. Since my last blog post, my mother-in-law decided she’d had enough of her multi-year fight against cancer, and died peacefully in her sleep. After losing my mother seven months earlier, the grief was familiar, yet different. I didn’t have the prolonged fog or sense of unreality, but I did find that I could sleep as long as I was allowed, including multi-hour naps during the day. At first, sadness mixed with relief that her suffering was over, but as the days wore on, the relief faded and the sadness took over.

Every little reminder, mostly unexpected, raises tears. Today, it was the bulky white envelope in the mailbox. Seen from the end, in the stack of other mail, it resembled the sort of envelope my mother-in-law would send, stuffed with photos and clippings and a cheerful note. Each of these reminders grips me in its tentacles and I have no choice but to live through the rise of emotion.

Yet there’s nothing of substance to grab onto. There’s no physical being to wrestle to the ground, no actual tentacle to peel off my skin. Instead, there’s just the acknowledgement that loving someone creates deep and lasting ties, and even when the other person is gone from this earth, the habits of those ties remain in our hearts and minds. People say that time will heal my grief, and they may be right. But I know, from watching my mom get teary when she spoke of her dad, decades after his death, that the tentacles never really let go.

I didn’t expect the undertow to be this strong when the first wave of grief receded.

Six weeks ago, the first tsunami of my grief for Mom overtook me. I developed bronchitis, a back ache, fatigue. I took to bed as much as possible, and I dragged around at half energy, or less, for more than a month. Around me, the undone tasks accumulated—housework and paperwork, correspondence and processing photos. I walked along the bottom of the ocean, in company with my grief.

The profound depths of it astonished me. Mom’s death was not unexpected; I’d had years of grieving for her declining health. I’d gotten through the initial sense of dislocation and fog and pain, planned her memorial and even overcome my anxiety about singing in public to sing with my sister at the service.

And then it all hit, and I sank. I struggled with physical ill health and the enormity of the loss. My family remained an anchor, though my loss of spirit affected them all.

After more than a month, and two weeks of antibiotics, I felt like I’d come up for air. Much better, inspired by a new story, energized by a professional critique, I wrote like mad for several days and felt like I’d bounced back.

Bounced was right—now I’m plunging down again. At least I caught my breath.

Sixteen days after my mom’s death, I wrote this pantoum:

Generations

My first daughter is learning to drive.
But, my mother has died.
I’m practicing to sing in her service,
Honoring the loved one with a lullaby.

But, my mother has died.
How can I sing without a cry?
Honoring the loved one with a lullaby
I am blessed with a glimpse of her.

How can I sing without a cry?
The woman I knew returns to earth and sky.
I am blessed with a glimpse of her
In a memory, implanted in my heart.

The woman I knew returns to earth and sky.
I imagine her spirit dancing in ease.
In a memory, implanted in my heart,
I breathe the scent of her.

I imagine her spirit dancing in ease
And bless her journey.
I breathe the scent of her;
I consider how I am me because of her,

And bless her journey.
Her place is now with the ancestors.
I consider how I am me because of her,
And I’m dreaming of who my daughters will be.

Her place is now with the ancestors.
I’m practicing to sing in her service,
And I’m dreaming of who my daughters will be.
My first daughter is learning to drive.

Tilki

On Monday, my feline companion of twenty years died. She came to me as a grown cat in May of 1989, the day after my grandmother died. She was injured, with a back leg at an angle and a big open wound on the joint. Obviously underfed, she was still magnificent, with her long fox-red fur and fluffy tail. I already had a cat, the overfed, overly fearful, middle-aged Tasha, so I kept the newcomer outside, but offered her some food. Then I called my vet to ask if there was anything I might do for the wound. She said I could clean it with some hydrogen peroxide, but warned me to be very careful, because it might sting and the stray might bite me. I gathered the supplies and very gently began cleaning. The new cat purred and purred and held very still as I tended her. How could I turn her away after that?

Her introduction to Tasha went well for a few minutes, then the new cat hissed and scratched and Tasha hid. They were never friends, but they established a truce. I began hunting for a name, and found Tilki, which is Turkish for fox. Perfect. I discovered that she liked melon, and preferred to drink from dripping faucets, and when I took her to the vet, found out that she’d probably been hit by a car and her fractured leg bone had already mended, though a bit crooked. She always had a bit of an odd gait, though she didn’t let it slow her down. The vet estimated her age as one year, based on her teeth.

Tilki escaped outside whenever possible, but always came back when she got hungry. She doled out affection so that we began to call the cuddle times “Tilki moments.” She’d sit on a lap for a minute or less, and then move away to be on her own. She loved to have me pick her up, and would purr loudly for a few moments, and then lean out, ready to get down again.

She gathered, like all beloved cats, many names. She soon became Tilki-toes, and my Native American roommate called her Blackfoot, because one of her back legs was black from the ankle down, while the others were tawny. Later, my husband called her Trickster. And Tilkster.

After I married, my husband and I decided to adopt a kitten, so Tilki would have someone nearer her own age to play with, and with any luck would leave off harassing Tasha. We soon learned of a kitten that had been found by a friend, who was headed the next day for the Humane Society. We took him in. Though his black and white markings could have easily earned him the name Tuxedo, his too-big ears and tiny head made him look more like Yoda. Though he started small and starving, his enormous appetite and disinterest in the outside world helped Yoda grow into a strapping 16 3/4 pound adult, much bigger than Tilki.

Yoda

Yet she always ruled him. She was the cleverer one, the fiercer one, the Great Hunter. Yoda, by contrast, preferred a lap and a snooze. We lived at the time next door to a man who rarely mowed the grass on his large lot. One day Tilki appeared at our screen door wild-eyed. The bottom third of the door had a metal kick plate, and she stood on her hind legs to look into the room. Her alarm got my attention, and when I went to open the door, discovered a mole beside her. In the spirit of sharing, or pride, she’d brought it home for me to see.

She used a few more of her lives during her adventures. Once someone kicked her abdomen and she had to spend several days in the dark and quiet while her diaphragm healed. She forever after had a mortal terror of big trucks and workmen. She developed an abscess from a cat fight that went undetected by our house-sitter while we were out of town, and by the time we got home and I raced her to the vet, she was very, very ill. She had, especially in her younger years when I lived on the frugal budget of a grad student, the curious knack of needing urgent vet care right after I’d received my tax refund.

She must have been a yogi in a previous life, for she loved to get on the floor with anyone doing yoga. We could be on the floor for any other reason—a nap or a card game or playing with the kids—and she’d ignore us. But yoga drew her and she’d weave around us purring. Sometimes she’d wash my hair as it hung down from a pose like Downward Facing Dog.

She outlived both Tasha and Yoda, and at eighteen had surgery to remove a basal cell carcinoma from her chin. The vet tech couldn’t believe she was so old. The surgery slowed her down quite a bit—perhaps another life spent. But she still found energy to run across the yard to me, and to travel to whichever neighbor’s yard had the sprinklers going. She would sit in a sprinkler for ten or twenty minutes, washing her fur every so often, and then washing for a long time afterward. I suspect she liked the source of running water. Even a few weeks ago, I caught her returning from a morning venture two houses away where the sprinklers were on, her fur wet.

She often walked into our shower and waited for someone to come turn it on. She’d let me spray her down completely, and then purred when I wrapped her in a towel and dried her off. She also understood English. When I’d waited long enough holding the door open, I would ask, “Are you waiting for the engraved invitation?” and then she would walk into the house. Once, at a party, she tried drinking from a guest’s water glass. I told Tilki that I’d get her some water in the kitchen, and before I could move she jumped down from her perch and started toward the kitchen.

As she grew older, her “moments” grew longer, and she would drape herself over my shoulder when I held her, or would reach up with her front paw to touch my cheek. She slept more and more in her spot on the purple couch, ignoring the squirrels in the tree outside the window.

At the end, she wanted me to hold her constantly. For three days she would seek me out when I went to sleep in my own bed rather than beside her. During her last night, she wouldn’t settle unless she lay against me or on me, our hearts only centimeters apart. Farewells are never easy, but she made it clear to me, as I’d asked her to, that her time had come. Over the last couple of years she’d dropped from her top weight of 13 pounds to her final weight of 4 1/2. I could feel every spur of every bone beneath her fur and skin. She couldn’t keep her balance, and she ate very little. Fresh water, though, she’d still lap down. As her eyes grew more unfocused I doubted that she really saw me, but I trust that she knew I was there.

With her passing, there’s a soft hole in my heart, awakened whenever my gaze travels over her usual haunts—the purple couch, the heat vent where she’d sit in the winter, her food and water station in the kitchen, her favorite sunning spot outside. One day, I expect, a kitten or some adult stray might come along and fill up the space she left behind, but there will never be another Tilki.

I recently led a writing workshop at my daughter’s school, and one of the fifth graders said, “I understand that to be a good writer you have to read a lot. Is there one book that influenced your writing more than any other?”

I answered without hesitation. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. This book has poetry on every page. Any writer interested in overcoming cliché should read this book. Zusak is a master of the unexpected metaphor. The setting—Nazi Germany—made me hesitate to read it at first, since I find that period of history deeply disturbing. But Zusak makes it worth the trip.

Sometimes it takes me a while to come to the books that everyone’s raving about. The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger, was worth the wait. As a writer, I kept imagining the sticky notes and timelines Niffenegger might have used to keep it all straight in her head. How she presented such a complicated narrative so smoothly is part of the magic of writing. The characters come across as authentic human beings, despite the oddness of their lives.

I was also slow on the uptake with The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski. The writing in this book drew me in—it’s evocative and poetic, and the first chapter that is written from Almondine’s point of view is one of the most moving pieces of prose I’ve ever read. However, this book reminded me why I prefer Young Adult literature to that written for adults. Even in tragedies, I hope for some redemption, and I didn’t find it here.

Jeannette Walls’ memoir, The Glass Castle, has one of the most gripping first lines of any memoir I’ve ever read. And from that first sentence, Walls never lets the reader go. Her story drew me in even as I cringed at the poverty and tough times she endured as a kid. The unflinching honesty and the survival of the family’s love make this an incredibly powerful book.

In lighter fare, I devoured The Mortal Instruments trilogy by Cassandra Clare. City of Bones, City of Ashes, and City of Glass all provide a fast-paced read, alternating humor and suspense. My library classified these as horror, but I’d call them dark fantasy. Clare captures the voices of her teen characters and weaves a complicated plot with a satisfying payoff.

Bones of Faerie, by Janni Lee Simmer, starts with an interesting premise and weaves elements of the known world into a near-future that looks very little like the present. Though the back jacket copy bills it as a young adult book, this is really for middle grade readers. The plot is fairly simple, but the world building will draw readers in.

Judy Blundell’s What I Saw and How I Lied evokes post-World War II America with a compelling plot and complex characters. The protagonist deals with situations that teens today will understand—falling in love, getting a new perspective on her parents—but also deals with prejudices and situations particular to her time.

Silver Phoenix, by Cindy Pon, masterfully paints a historical world with the perfect amount of detail and information. The book blends history and fantasy, but the fantasy is tied in so tightly with the world that it works as a seamless whole. Though she struggles with the sexism of her world, Ai Ling is a strong young woman with a lot of ingenuity.

As a family we recently aloud Thirteenth Child, by Patricia C. Wrede, because her books make delightful read-alouds. This one kept everyone’s attention and made us laugh aloud. The alternate American history was perhaps less accessible to the kids than the adults, who had more understanding of the history this was based on and so could see the places of divergence more clearly. Some of the references were confusing for the kids, but those moments didn’t stand in the way of them enjoying the story.

Long before there was Facebook, I’ve thought about networks. It started in earnest when I was writing my dissertation, examining the networks of reputation and social credit that existed in neighborhoods and communities in 16th and 17th century England. That got me thinking about reputation in the modern world. It’s no less important now, and at its core, it’s based on very similar principles: how well does the individual uphold and abide by the mores of the community in which s/he lives?

My own networks include people I met in school (any of the many schools I’ve attended), other parents at my daughters’ schools, my friends from writing groups, my friends from dreamwork, my neighbors, my family. Some of the groups are close-knit and well established. Others are more fluid. Some memberships overlap. Friends of friends create new circles. People who are in more than one critique group create critique group “cousins” who meet and often start new friendships at conferences and workshops.

In the old days–twenty-five years ago, say–those networks held together by proximity or snail mail. I have quite a collection of letters from high school and college friends, physical records of the friendships we shared. (And I wonder if they have my old letters somewhere!) Now, of course, it’s much more likely to be email or phone calls. Or Facebook. The advantage to social networking in the ether is that it’s easy to stay in touch with a lot of people at once. If I have big news, or just something quick to say, I can update my status and my dozens of  “friends” will get the message. The disadvantage is that this method of communication reduces our exchange of thoughts to little bites, often of little real consequence. It’s like a buffet of hors d’oeuvres at a big party instead of an intimate luncheon or dinner.

My first plunge into Facebook brought me back into contact with friends I’d had little or no contact with for years. Friends from high school, mostly, including the boy I first really kissed. Those friends are all grown up and, for the most part, married, off living their own lives. But being back in touch brings up all sorts of memories. What that first kiss was like, how my heart was badly bruised by another of my friends, how my girl friends and I spent way too much time talking about boys. All of it grist for the mill, as any writer knows, but if it weren’t for Facebook, it wouldn’t be, well, in my face.

The computer age has certainly made it easier to maintain and build networks. One of my groups of friends has, thanks to email, held together for more than twenty years even though we’ve scattered across the county. Some of them are on Facebook with me. And some of my Facebook friends are people I hardly know, but have met through writers’ conferences and listserves. But the real magic of it for me is being able to reconnect with friends. As much as I’d love to have face-to-face reunions with the people I knew way back when, touching thoughts through the ether is a wondrous thing.

It’s all about accommodation. My daughter and I avoid eating gluten because it adversely affects our health. At home, after about seven months of this diet, we’ve adapted quite well. My daughter takes her own lunch to school, but she’s always done that, so that wasn’t a big adjustment. But when we travel, all bets are off. Try finding foods in an airport that don’t contain wheat flour, barley malt, or wheat extracts. A salad with no croutons might do it, but the dressing could be a problem. Try adapting to the habits and comfort foods of an extended family of 13 people, when only two are on this diet. Sometimes they make changes for us, but most often, we provide our own alternate dishes to eat. At family-style,”American” restaurants, most often the only gluten-free options are salads and French fries. But we learned the hard way that you always have to ask how food is made–the last place we ordered fries, they came “battered,” which meant they had wheat flour all over them. The waitress brought my daughter cantaloupe and sliced raw carrots, but that didn’t make much of a lunch for a kid.

Sometimes I get discouraged about educating folks around us about our needs, or eating carrots while everyone else is enjoying a full meal. But then this morning, I got a call from the father of one of my daughter’s friends. He’s hosting his son’s birthday party next week, and was calling to let me know that they’re making gluten-free muffins for the party and wanted to know if there was a particular kind of frosting that I could recommend so they could make the muffins more like cupcakes. I told him how much I appreciate his thoughtfulness, and he said his son “wants to be sure we get this right.” That effort to make my daughter comfortable and a full participant in the party has cheered my whole day.

We all have our challenges and struggles in life. Sometimes, they are widely shared (the economic downturn, a big storm, climate change), and sometimes they are personal. The ways in which we help each other, from the small gestures to the big sacrifices, remind us of the better side of our shared humanity. Sometimes we make the effort to help others, and sometimes we are able to accept assistance. Here’s hoping I can do both with grace and good cheer.

This week may top all others in immensity of psychic energy experienced, used, and drained away. Election day I volunteered as a monitor at the local school where two precincts were voting, and then did a shift as a runner, taking food out to poll watchers and bringing back the lists of folks who still might need reminding to go vote. That night provided a huge catharsis for the tension, hope, anxiety, yearning, and work of the campaign season. Barack Obama’s speech, the footage of Jesse Jackson in tears, the crowds of joyous Americans…I’m so very grateful that I lived to see the day. I appreciated the seriousness of Obama’s speech, the lack of cheap promises for easy fixes. His eloquence, as always, touched my heart. The next day, I thought more about what having Michelle Obama as a first lady will mean to this country. During the campaign, I received a recorded call from her, and was impressed by the measured cadence of her voice, the calm that she evoked. Thank you, America, for making this possible.

The Saturday before the election, I started Nanowrimo. I’d never signed up in previous years, because it seemed silly to churn out yet another first draft to sit among the other first drafts that have piled up over the years, awaiting their turns at thorough editing. But this year, I had a dream that, when I worked it with some friends, pointed me clearly toward writing the novel I’d been toying with starting. (The dream also had layers about the election, all entwined together as dream symbols so often are.) So I figured I’d give it a try. After all, it wouldn’t be so different from what I’ve been doing for nine years, right? The pages would just pile up faster.

Actually, so far, that’s turned out to be true. My writing sessions take longer, of course, since I’m writing about five or six times as much per day as my previous minimum. But it’s not the first time I’ve had work pour through me this steadily, and this novel is truly begging to be written. Today, I worked the dream again with Jeremy Taylor, and found more affirmation that writing the novel is the right thing to be doing now, in part because its themes tie in deeply with the question of race in America. I’m so very grateful that two intelligent, well-spoken, responsible individuals will be our next president and first lady. And I’m grateful, in the way I was grateful when the Berlin Wall fell, that a historic barrier has finally crumbled. I am hopeful that Barack and Michelle can, by being themselves, erode the negative projections that we’ve historically visited on people with African ancestry in this country. Though, as I write that, I’m reminded that if we go back far enough in our human ancestry, we all have our roots in that rich continent.

I hope I can grasp hold of my own squirmy projections long enough to dissect them in the writing of this novel. I hope that this process shines light on my own shadows and brings to conscious awareness any unconscious prejudices I still lug around. Jeremy Taylor suggested that I consider the following: How have I been changed by this prodigious effort to conjure non-material truth and put it on the page?

Making myself available to the story comes easily now, after all the years of practice. Understanding how the story changes me is a new, unfamiliar idea. It’s an effort that I would be wise to make in regards to the election of our new president, as well. How does this new story for America change me, and how does it change our collective understanding of who we are as a nation?

For the second year in a row, we’ve had an extraordinary crop of Concord grapes. The weather has held so that the grapes have ripened fully on the vine, and no late spring freeze nipped the buds, so here we have glorious abundance. Which translates into not-so-glorious work. Jelly, of course, and juice, but this year we’ve added something new to our repertoire: grape-apple leather. It’s labor intensive, but I know that all it has in it is grapes and apples, and it’s delicious. I get to live out my childhood fantasies of being incredibly resourceful (ala Laura Ingalls Wilder), with the aid of modern appliances like my food processor and food dehydrator.

Laced through all the grape and apple fun, is talk (endless!) and thoughts of the elections. In order to stifle the number of phone calls coming in, I voted early. Since it took me 20 minutes just to fill in all the little rectangles with the drying-out pen in the booth, I was glad that I’d prepped my choices ahead of time and that I hadn’t waited until election day. There was steady traffic while I was there, and cheerful staff/volunteers.

Of all the issues on the Colorado ballot, the most offensive is Amendment 48, the so-called “personhood” amendment. The mysteries of when exactly spirit enters flesh and life truly begins are beyond me, but to involve the legal system in miscarriages is draconian in the extreme. I’ve known several women, good mothers all, who miscarried early in pregnancy, either before or after, or both, carrying other babies to term. Amendment 48 would open the door for women such as these to be investigated, charged with child abuse or even murder. The women I know who’ve been through a miscarriage had enough grief to deal with without the horrors of politics intruding in their health care. Even the Catholic Conference doesn’t support it.

It’s a free country, so people of all leanings can try to change the laws to suit their own agendas. Thanks to our founding fathers, we have the ability to argue our positions in public and to vote against the policies that would take us down the road away from freedom.

I urge you to vote thoughtfully and carefully, with a view to our country’s future as a free democratic republic.