I didn’t expect the undertow to be this strong when the first wave of grief receded.

Six weeks ago, the first tsunami of my grief for Mom overtook me. I developed bronchitis, a back ache, fatigue. I took to bed as much as possible, and I dragged around at half energy, or less, for more than a month. Around me, the undone tasks accumulated—housework and paperwork, correspondence and processing photos. I walked along the bottom of the ocean, in company with my grief.

The profound depths of it astonished me. Mom’s death was not unexpected; I’d had years of grieving for her declining health. I’d gotten through the initial sense of dislocation and fog and pain, planned her memorial and even overcome my anxiety about singing in public to sing with my sister at the service.

And then it all hit, and I sank. I struggled with physical ill health and the enormity of the loss. My family remained an anchor, though my loss of spirit affected them all.

After more than a month, and two weeks of antibiotics, I felt like I’d come up for air. Much better, inspired by a new story, energized by a professional critique, I wrote like mad for several days and felt like I’d bounced back.

Bounced was right—now I’m plunging down again. At least I caught my breath.

Sixteen days after my mom’s death, I wrote this pantoum:

Generations

My first daughter is learning to drive.
But, my mother has died.
I’m practicing to sing in her service,
Honoring the loved one with a lullaby.

But, my mother has died.
How can I sing without a cry?
Honoring the loved one with a lullaby
I am blessed with a glimpse of her.

How can I sing without a cry?
The woman I knew returns to earth and sky.
I am blessed with a glimpse of her
In a memory, implanted in my heart.

The woman I knew returns to earth and sky.
I imagine her spirit dancing in ease.
In a memory, implanted in my heart,
I breathe the scent of her.

I imagine her spirit dancing in ease
And bless her journey.
I breathe the scent of her;
I consider how I am me because of her,

And bless her journey.
Her place is now with the ancestors.
I consider how I am me because of her,
And I’m dreaming of who my daughters will be.

Her place is now with the ancestors.
I’m practicing to sing in her service,
And I’m dreaming of who my daughters will be.
My first daughter is learning to drive.

A friend asked me for advice on getting started with a gluten-free, casein-free diet.  I’ve been following a gluten-free diet for over a year now, and while I’m not strictly casein-free, I don’t eat much dairy.  I decided that some of the links and resources I’ve found might be helpful to other people as well, so here they are.

For lots of information, you can start at http://www.celiac.com/ or http://www.glutenfree.com/home.aspx though it might be an overwhelming amount of information if you’re just getting started.

After trying a number of bread recipes (with all the various flours that are needed to replace wheat flour) to make home-made bread, we’ve found the best gluten-free sandwich bread is made by Udi’s. http://www.udisfood.com/glutenfree.php It’s expensive compared to wheat bread, but if you’re needing a sandwich or a piece of toast, it’s very tasty.

We make our own breakfast cereal using oats from http://www.glutenfreeoats.com/ and their recipe for “Meusli.” http://www.glutenfreeoats.com/recipes.aspx#Muesli We make a double batch and store it in airtight containers.  EnviroKidz makes some kid-friendly gluten-free cereals, too.  http://www.envirokidz.com/food

We also like Glutino products—their “vegetable” flavor crackers make an emergency pizza substitute—my daughter dollops a little tomato sauce on each cracker, sprinkles it with cheese, and cooks it in the microwave for 15 seconds or so.  http://www.glutino.com/content/view/27/45/

Kinnikinnick also makes some tasty gluten-free treats, like their “Oreo” style cookie.  http://consumer.kinnikinnick.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/consumer.home.html

For birthday cakes, we usually make brownies.  By far the best mix we’ve found is by Namaste Foods.  http://www.namastefoods.com

For a lot of recipes, check out http://glutenfreeonashoestring.com/ though if you’re casein-free as well, you’ll have to pick and choose.

A couple of books we’ve found helpful are Gluten Free Cooking for Dummies and The Kid-Friendly Food Allergy Cookbook by Leslie Hammond and Lynne Marie Rominger.

Half of our family is gluten-free, and the other half isn’t.  We cook two pots of pasta and prepare the sauce separately, and then combine them individually according to taste.  We eat a lot of meals that have no wheat in them at all, like beans & rice, meat and potatoes, or baked tofu.  We make our own soup stock, since almost all canned soups have gluten in them, but we make big batches of stock and keep it in the freezer, so it’s not a problem to put together a soup at the last minute.  For pancakes and waffles, we usually use a prepared gluten-free mix and use rice milk or soy milk rather than dairy.  It’s a different taste, but once you put syrup on it, it doesn’t matter much.  We like Bob’s Red Mill mixes. http://www.bobsredmill.com/gluten-free/

It is often more expensive to buy gluten-free products, but we’ve found it totally worthwhile in terms of improved health.  I’d rather spend that money at the grocery store than at the doctor’s office (which doesn’t even solve the problem).  And our local King Soopers and our Sunflower Market carry a wide variety of products, so we don’t have to shop at Whole Paycheck.

I’m always interested in recipes and resources that people find helpful, so please feel free to comment!